...loneliness...is a strange bird..
so high in the sky..
flying ...
from nowhere..going to who knows where..
in absolute silence...following its own destiny as if...
and in this freedom in the truest sense..
somewhere there is a void...
trapped in its own freedom...
sometimes i wonder...
what is it that i want...
its so liberating to be free thus...
and yet i feel unfulfilled...
...for a friend..a true one,.. to be by my side..
then the journey would not seem so monotonous...
then there would be no destination to reach or wait for...
'coz that would be our hearts....
..then there would be true freedom....
coz' i wouldn't be lonely anymore....
even if there was only one who travelled with me...
my true friend....
....
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
At long last.....
At long last.....
...at long last.....
mum once said to me - Dolu, tui lekh...tui ja likhish sheita maanusher bhetore githe jaaye, manusher aattae giye laage...tor moton kore aar onno keu likhte paare na. tai shobai tor lekha ta porte chaye..aeto pochhondo kore. Dekhbi ek din....
...i stopped myself from translating all that....some words are not meant to be translated....these are a few of the many things my mother and i often spoke about....now that she is no more all i have are her pictures, her memories, her belongings...and her words....
................
i write well.
everybody knows that.
...in fact a few of the everybody who know me better than the rest of the everybody tell me almost decidedly that writing is what i should be doing.
Maybe they're right....
But why long last??...
....i was a happy child. Honestly. When i think of childhood now, i'm amazed at how i was always bright eyed, eager and so very imaginative as a kid. As an adult i look at the bleaker side of things more than the brighter. As mum said - the older u grew, the sadder u've become.Why so?...look back to when u were a kid, always so happy and always smiling despite adversities. Things are far better now but u're mind has changed....I agree with her. I believe it was that happiness that was the source of all that was good in me. The ability to be happy, to dream, to imagine, to live and experience my own imagination, to feel everything i wanted to ... so completely and so honestly....i kinda miss that. It was then that i think i'd started to venture into what we refer to as writing.
...i admit i was crazy...i wanted to start a magazine for kids and be its publisher, editor...the works. Maybe i knew it was crazy but that never stopped me from thinking about it, from dreaming about it. Thats what it was - how to imagine, how to dream. How to wish, how to lapse into a reverie..a daydream.. and enjoy it...and resolve to make it true. I started writing,...for me it wasnt an effort, it was just...writing. I wrote well, i liked writing well. Life was fun. Writing was fun. I wrote beautiful poems, witty pieces, smart compositions..the works.... and it was effortless, it was fun...
...then why at long last?!?!?!...
...somewhere in the years that intervened, .... something happened. I was still good at what i was doing, only now, i was kinda ... making an effort. don't ask me why, coz i really dont know. I guess i started to look at things differently....thats about the best i can put it down. I dont know...but it wasnt fun anymore...life wasnt fun anymore u see......now that i look at it, it was a mistake on my part to react the way i did and well,....i regret saying that as a person i would have turned out a lot better had i not given in to my insecurities, complexes and a host of other negative things.....i was weak, i knew that then, i know that now.....but things happened and i changed into another kind of being.....so while i thought i was gaining in the matters that count, i was not in reality ..... worse, i was slowly (and perhaps, willingly, in the very negative sense of the word) losing touch with the purest part of me.
...and writing became an arduous task for me.
...the beauty that flowed from the pen without me ever expending a second to ponder, now that beauty had disappeared,...and even the ugly prose that i turned out was after much headache and heartburn.
...i should've listened to Mum,..she'd seen the rot setting in long before i even thought about it. I don't remember the exact words but yeah, she'd said these - Aar tor lekha porte bhaalo laagena. Tui ja likheesh aar onno keu jaeta lekhe tar modhe kono parthokko nayee.
....She'd warned me about the kind of person i was becoming. She'd told me not to.
quite frankly, my mum had told me - U dont write the way u could. u've lost the touch. its no different from what the next guy turns out.
...and she'd told me to quit writing rather than turn out the apologies that i was.
.....had i listened to her, things would've been better.
Now she's no more....
Why at long last??....
....life has taken so many unexpected turns and taught me so many lessons that..i dont know quite what to say.....but somewhere something has given way.....when my mother died, i was there.... i cried...i cried for the first time in many years....many many years. one of the things, a fear, that would make me paranoid as a small kid was what would happen if my mum died...what would i do?....and here she was, dead. her eyes........looking at me.....tui kicchhu korte parli na re Dolu,.....u let me die
I'm sorry mama. i know u're not coming back but i am sorry.
.........when the person u love the most dies and goes away, i've realized that the one thing i miss the most is her loving touch......i can still feel it tho'...when i feel like i want mama to stroke my head its almost by magic that i can feel her hand on my head.
words cant describe everything. but i've realized that if i have to be true to myself and my mother and to God, then i have to write.
...so at long last.....
atleast it is something.....
.....and this time around mama, u'll be happy. and i'll be happy. and we'll all be happy...
at long last......
...at long last.....
mum once said to me - Dolu, tui lekh...tui ja likhish sheita maanusher bhetore githe jaaye, manusher aattae giye laage...tor moton kore aar onno keu likhte paare na. tai shobai tor lekha ta porte chaye..aeto pochhondo kore. Dekhbi ek din....
...i stopped myself from translating all that....some words are not meant to be translated....these are a few of the many things my mother and i often spoke about....now that she is no more all i have are her pictures, her memories, her belongings...and her words....
................
i write well.
everybody knows that.
...in fact a few of the everybody who know me better than the rest of the everybody tell me almost decidedly that writing is what i should be doing.
Maybe they're right....
But why long last??...
....i was a happy child. Honestly. When i think of childhood now, i'm amazed at how i was always bright eyed, eager and so very imaginative as a kid. As an adult i look at the bleaker side of things more than the brighter. As mum said - the older u grew, the sadder u've become.Why so?...look back to when u were a kid, always so happy and always smiling despite adversities. Things are far better now but u're mind has changed....I agree with her. I believe it was that happiness that was the source of all that was good in me. The ability to be happy, to dream, to imagine, to live and experience my own imagination, to feel everything i wanted to ... so completely and so honestly....i kinda miss that. It was then that i think i'd started to venture into what we refer to as writing.
...i admit i was crazy...i wanted to start a magazine for kids and be its publisher, editor...the works. Maybe i knew it was crazy but that never stopped me from thinking about it, from dreaming about it. Thats what it was - how to imagine, how to dream. How to wish, how to lapse into a reverie..a daydream.. and enjoy it...and resolve to make it true. I started writing,...for me it wasnt an effort, it was just...writing. I wrote well, i liked writing well. Life was fun. Writing was fun. I wrote beautiful poems, witty pieces, smart compositions..the works.... and it was effortless, it was fun...
...then why at long last?!?!?!...
...somewhere in the years that intervened, .... something happened. I was still good at what i was doing, only now, i was kinda ... making an effort. don't ask me why, coz i really dont know. I guess i started to look at things differently....thats about the best i can put it down. I dont know...but it wasnt fun anymore...life wasnt fun anymore u see......now that i look at it, it was a mistake on my part to react the way i did and well,....i regret saying that as a person i would have turned out a lot better had i not given in to my insecurities, complexes and a host of other negative things.....i was weak, i knew that then, i know that now.....but things happened and i changed into another kind of being.....so while i thought i was gaining in the matters that count, i was not in reality ..... worse, i was slowly (and perhaps, willingly, in the very negative sense of the word) losing touch with the purest part of me.
...and writing became an arduous task for me.
...the beauty that flowed from the pen without me ever expending a second to ponder, now that beauty had disappeared,...and even the ugly prose that i turned out was after much headache and heartburn.
...i should've listened to Mum,..she'd seen the rot setting in long before i even thought about it. I don't remember the exact words but yeah, she'd said these - Aar tor lekha porte bhaalo laagena. Tui ja likheesh aar onno keu jaeta lekhe tar modhe kono parthokko nayee.
....She'd warned me about the kind of person i was becoming. She'd told me not to.
quite frankly, my mum had told me - U dont write the way u could. u've lost the touch. its no different from what the next guy turns out.
...and she'd told me to quit writing rather than turn out the apologies that i was.
.....had i listened to her, things would've been better.
Now she's no more....
Why at long last??....
....life has taken so many unexpected turns and taught me so many lessons that..i dont know quite what to say.....but somewhere something has given way.....when my mother died, i was there.... i cried...i cried for the first time in many years....many many years. one of the things, a fear, that would make me paranoid as a small kid was what would happen if my mum died...what would i do?....and here she was, dead. her eyes........looking at me.....tui kicchhu korte parli na re Dolu,.....u let me die
I'm sorry mama. i know u're not coming back but i am sorry.
.........when the person u love the most dies and goes away, i've realized that the one thing i miss the most is her loving touch......i can still feel it tho'...when i feel like i want mama to stroke my head its almost by magic that i can feel her hand on my head.
words cant describe everything. but i've realized that if i have to be true to myself and my mother and to God, then i have to write.
...so at long last.....
atleast it is something.....
.....and this time around mama, u'll be happy. and i'll be happy. and we'll all be happy...
at long last......
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