I am not gone (Mother's requim)

I lived a quiet dignified life

Though you would have seen me fighting every inch of the way

The way i took to make progress in life

The way i chose to survive

Sometimes the only way that was open to me

In order to live holding my head high

Appearances, I learnt with bitter humour

Change with the passage of time

But i did all i could to make it look

Like it were always good times for us

I am a rock

Standing fearlessly in the face of storm winds, lashing rains

Fear, grief and spite

I haven’t shirked my duty

And the bidding of my will

Where i have dithered,

 was never for myself, but for you

You, whom i have loved more than love

You whom i have bequeathed my all

You who is a part of me

It is to you and you alone that i say

I am here

Though i may be long gone

But i am here

With you, beside you

As i have always been

As you have always been

May no grief touch you

May no sorrow find

May you shine forth like a glorious sun

Leaving all your troubles behind

I am here

To see your dreams get fulfilled

To applaud your victory

To cherish your achievement

And when you should look to search for my lap

You will find it right below your head

And when you look to search for guidance

My light will shine forthwith

And when you will look to share your prize

Your fulfilment shall be my reward

And when you seek eternal rest

You shall come be a part of me

Peacefully and happily

Ever after.

Let it Rain

Let it rain ever so softly

That i may share the sheer bliss

With the green grass and moss

Of dew drops alighting gently

Upon my thirst starved soul

Let it rain like a tempestuous storm

With the force of a gale wind uprooting mighty trees

That i may withstand the fury of the wind and water

At once feeling triumphant, and humbled by the experience

Let it rain ever so moodily

Like a woman’s whims and caprice

At once exasperating and charming

So unpredictable in its nature

Let it rain ever so stoically

So full of resolve and strength

A silence broken by none

A determination only understood

Let it rain ever so joyfully

That i may sing and dance with the rain

With an abandonment and laughter which,

My friends the drops, share with me

Let it rain to hide my tears

Of fear, of grief, of shame

Let it rain to hide my anguish

At a feeling that has no name

Let it rain as though you were teaching me

Of life’s lost philosophy

That all that is was always there

And so shall it be for all time

Let it rain as though it had lost its way

Stumbling and bumbling and finally falling down

An embarrassed rain cloud as it were to be

That didn’t find its way home

Let it rain as all hell had broken loose

Like God’s terrible fury unleashed

Like hell’s angels brought down on earth

Thunder and lightning as beasts

Let it rain!

Just let it rain...!

Clean

There was dirt and grime on me

...And the more it came off,

the more i kept rubbing it out.

I took a bath,

After about

Three days i reckon.

Standing below the showerhead

Cold

clear water

streaming down my head

My face

My shoulders

My body.

The bar of soap,

so smoothly and effortlessly gliding over the surface

Its skinful exterior

and sinful crevasses

forbidden to touch

(...Even by the mind)

Substance turning to lather whiter than itself

Washing me

Soothing me

Assuring me

It was my ally

in this fight

to keep off the dirt

Ridding me of the invisible filth i was submerged in

Unwanted dirt that so surrounded me,

Completely.

So that I could emerge

Clean

Pristine

Pure

As a dew drop

like a sublime Lotus

Standing

Meditating

amidst

and distinct from

the swamp, in which it chooses to grow.

Standing there

Clean

With the shower turned off

With drops of water finding their way down my body

Convinced of my purity

And impunity

This is exhilarating in a sense

I can almost feel that time around me has stopped

That the world no longer revolves for me

That I stand still; eyes shut

 in the midst of a vaster universe

The centre of my very own galaxy

I can at once hear the drops trickling

And silent rumblings of entire worlds move within me

This...

This moment

Such moments

Are truly exhilarating

They make you feel profound with realization

(I wonder if i’d feel so sagacious

Had i been more regular in my daily ablutions...!)

The moment passes

And i realize there are more important things to do

To rush

(...Mindlessly?)

And almost automatically

I proceed to draw the towel

That rough crude length of cloth

And i scrub

And i stop

And i see

That there was dirt and grime on me

...And the more it came off,

the more i kept rubbing it out.

I couldn’t believe my eyes!

What the bloody hell is this?

Advertisers !

Soap manufacturers!

What sort of dirty game are those bastards playing with me?

All you sons of bitches who sell me yer products and your worthless souls

Lead me to the promised land...!?!

Wasn’t i supposed to be rid of this crud?

Weren’t you supposed to cleanse me the burden of 

dead skin

dead cells

deadwood

dead memories

dead times

dead friends

dead happiness

dead grief

dead shrieks

dead cries

dead efforts

dead thoughts

dead sensations

dead feelings

dead dreams

dead hope

dead youth

Weren’t you supposed to rid me of a dead life??!

But there was so much dirt and grime on me

...And the more it came off,

the more i kept rubbing it out.

And i kept on rubbing

Vigorously

Vociferously

Vicariously

Vilifying

Ferociously

It hurt

And the more it did

The further i stepped up my efforts

I could see the dead matter heaped upon the water

right at my feet

That water made me feel so alive one moment

And now it was dead

It lay still

Coated with the muck that spewed out of my body

Like i was some modern day factory

Brazenly polluting the surrounding environs

Mindless of the havoc i wreak

In my profiteering pursuit of narrow goals

It seemed like an eternity

Before i stopped

Exhausted and breathless

I was tired

Of scrubbing

Of cursing

Of running

I felt

So naked

So vulnerable

So close to tears

And i wept

Wept for the all the wasted efforts

Wasted moments

And the flow of tears

Was what washed my body

My being

My soul

Clean. 

Impermanent bliss

Joy of Spring is in its brief bloom

Beauty of life is its glorious uncertainty

...Love’s, lies in the passionate flirtations that ensue

When lovers meet after a patient wait.

Verbatim

Words -

A woman’s words

An oracle’s words

A writer’s words

A poet’s words

A lover’s words

... Unspoken words

A conversation -

          Between men

Amongst women

Sweet nothings of lovers

With an imaginary friend

With myself

With a god

Secrets -

Of a smile

Those conspiring within your mind

Those locked in a woman’s heart

... and Cryptic clues

    To guide the Chosen One

   To sally forth and claim his just rewards

Signs and Messages –

The tapping of fingers

Fidgety feet

An imperceptible nod

The brush of an arm

A subdued come hither

Legs crossing,

           And uncrossing...

Wanton ways

Wanton gaze

An intense stare

 ... And the message conveyed

          just by a look.

Sounds -

The abandon of a baby’s gurgle

Mirthful laughter

Peaceful snore

Foreboding rumblings

Piercing cry

... An unsaid goodbye

Are understood.

Would lose meaning,

Verbatim...

Reminiscence

Moments to cherish

Moments of fond recollection

Moments of anger

And silent repentance

Moments of joy

To be shared by one and all

Moments of grief

To be silently borne...

Moments of courage

Where life became glorious

Moments of fear

When the breath stilled and the only sound was the heart thump

Moments of despair

Where i prayed to a god i did not know

Moments of hope

Which roused the warrior within

Moments of contemplation

When the world is a joke

Emotional moments

When tears flow

Moments...

...And there’s another one

that just joined the list of them

Moments fleeting by

And I spent a lifetime gathering them

One by one

Until,

All I am left with..

is moments.

Seaside rumblings

Each man carries the sea within himself

Waves of emotion striking on the shores

Made of pebbles sand and scraggy rocks

Atoning for sins past

Making happy memories last

Reliving mistakes and good fortunes

Wondering whether the water carries back as many memories than it leaves behind

To each man his sea within

No two waves must be similar

We have both experienced pain my brother only yours is different the timing of the tide

Many a thought passes by

Like seagulls drifting with the wind

Random events recalled so clearly

Moments that seemed to have vanished come back to me all at once

It’s a sense of ennui; of suspended animation

I seem to have lost all recollection of time

As if I am there as it happens once again

At the beginning of a great drama since the start of my time

I have a weary inkling that the sea knows who I am

Its been here longer than I can remember

Maybe it even knew me when I did not know myself as I am now

Perhaps it saw this day was coming

When I would sit by the waves lapping at my feet

With the same meaningless expression of my face

Asking that which is meaningless

Seeking confirmation of my deepest fears and angst

Only dreading to hear the voice of my own inner soul

That which finds reflection

In the waters of my sea

I have much to confess, only how?

My mind seems to fight its own creation

It takes supreme effort and will power

To accept our follies my brothers

That which are our own creations

Created amidst so much chatter and noise

Only to come back and haunt us as eerie memories

Rejoinders from the past that say – you knew what you were doing!

You knew exactly what would happen with the choices you made.

My fate tells me – I was always there with you..

I was there and you knew it.

You took my name when it served your purpose, otherwise I was just an observing spectator in this game you played, no?

Why do you look askance at me when I hold up the mirror in front of you

This is who you are

You were never ugly to me

Nor beautiful

I loved you when you were sick as in health

I loved you when you shed tears of joy and sorrow

I have been your steadfast friend

Even now we sit side by side, contemplating waves

Studying how each sand has a story to tell

…. I wake with a start and I look around for that voice

But its only the waves and the din from the sea

Silent din as the waves make music and the depths provide bass

I am too scared to dive into those murky dark depths

I don’t know what monstrous creations and doings I might find

Waters don’t have color you see, they merely reflect the aspect shown to them

But waters have memories. And they store them. And can retrieve them for the unsuspecting poor fool who goes down the road of self discovery.

I’d rather sit here and enjoy the scenery – warm waves lapping at my feet and a sea of experience spanning as far as eyes see

But there is a sea within myself too I know…

And it is dark and unwelcome to me.

When a Womanizer, ...

I am the Master Lover

And there is no shame in that claim.

It is truth borne of honesty

and labors of love, for my name.

I celebrate woman, not with her

I say the right words, not just know which

I do the right things, not just practice what

I have Her, not just want to

I love Her, don’t need

I take Her in bed, not to it.

I demand attention, without giving.

I listen, not just keep shut.

I don’t just uncover, I explore.

I bring a smile to her lips;

any joker could make Her laugh

I won’t compete, She is mine

I don’t impress, just offer Myself

It’s not support, just that I stand with Her

She cannot claim, just ask

We don’t talk, but converse

We are agreed to disagree

Enjoy freedom as it should be

Spectre...

What is ideal in a lover?

What is heartache such that it can only be experienced and not said?

What is involvement that can only be felt; like being surrounded by the walls of a whirlpool and stand at the centre of it, untouched by calamity and yet, so palpitatingly achingly close to it.. like you could reach out and touch it and invite chaos, pandemonium and destruction into your life.. yet there is so much peace just standing at the centre of it - why to forsake it all?

What is a feeling of possession and jealousy that conquers all feelings beautiful and consumes in its green licking flames all thoughts of sobriety and propriety and pity and selflessness and love?What thoughts can pretty much extinguish all thoughts of real love for the rabid sensation of feeling in posssession or ownership of something and sublime and suffused as sunlight falling through gossamer. Even little children fight and possess over their toys until they are tired of them, or the sheen is lost, or a new toy takes its place.

Who is my love for me? Who am I for you indeed?

The question is not for you to tell me what you want to do.. but, what is it that i want from you? How do I desire you and how is it that I want to have you? Half baked? dressed or naked? rare...or, deceptively done...?